A Confession

Today has not been a good day.

I feel incapacitated. Even after narrowing down my large list of work-related to-dos into just 1 important thing, I can barely even keep track of that one thing in my mind. I remember it in one moment, and forget it 5 minutes later. I just want to curl up in a corner and hibernate, pretending the things around me aren't real like the proverbial ostrich sticking its head in the ground.

I feel alone. Like there's no one really to talk to. Everyone's busy, everyone's off somewhere, everyone's doing stuff they're supposed to be doing. I started the day with an email from a superior that got me ticked off, which in turn made me feel like he's against me. He probably isn't, but I hear his comments in an antagonistic tone in my head and I can't shake it off. Even my dear fiancee's simple pointing out of a grammatical error in my Facebook status makes me feel like I'm being corrected, and I get ticked off. And now she's probably annoyed or at least doesn't want to talk to me so much lest she ticks me off again or I respond to her in unexpected anger.

Just what I need - even fewer people to talk to.

This doesn't feel real. The future looks bright, but the short remaining path to the end of the tunnel looks far too steep to climb. What good is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when you don't think you can get that far? Most days I look at it and think, "I have no idea how I'll make it up there, but somehow I will." I tell myself, "God is in control. Don't worry about figuring out how to get there if you can't figure it out." Or in the words of a good friend, "this too shall pass."

But today, I look at that light and what's before me, and I feel overwhelmed. And when I'm overwhelmed, I shut down. I mentally retreat, inclined to consider all things in my world as if they are a dream and struggling to remember that no, they are real, I cannot actually ignore them without expecting consequences. But it's a struggle to remember it, like trying to run up a slide and grasping at the smooth walls. Sometimes in the day I stop struggling and let myself space out, but never for long because the spacing out is accompanied by a sense of dread that every moment I remain spaced out is a moment when I get one step closer to the end of that tunnel and haven't made any progress in climbing it, which just makes the pathway ahead steeper and more impossible.

None of this perspective is biblical. I have every reason in Christ to hope. God is in control of my life. In Christ I can do all things. His blood covers me and even if I 'fail' it doesn't matter that much anyway. But at the moment those are just far away thoughts. I am unable to find a way to make them feel real, in the same way a blind man would (probably, I imagine) struggle to believe in the sun while he's in a shadow. I don't know what to do to step into the light, to make things better - all I can do is let time slowly tick by, moving forward in the darkness one step at a time, and see what happens.

And in this moment, as I'm about to post this, I get a call. From a property agent, no less. We're not friends or anything, we've only met once before. But he's helpful and surprisingly understanding of my discomfort with the one property that he showed us before. After putting down the phone I feel slightly better. Not a lot better, but just a bit. Perhaps that was a small random ray of light God decided to shine into my shadow for now.

Sinfulness and God's Goodness

I just had a random thought in the shower - you can only see how sinful you are when you realise just how good God is.

I suspect that there many folks out there who don't believe in Christ, who aren't particularly rebellious against God or anything - they're just honestly and simply unconvinced by Christianity's assertion that all men are sinful, simply because they don't really feel like they're that bad, compared to everyone else. And in fact, many of them are right. Many of them are good people, loving husbands and wives, caring about others and so on (they are, after all, also originally made in the image of God). I have met many non-Christians who seem to exhibit far more Godly traits than I do. So in the world view of these folks, the argument that they are wretchedly sinful before a holy God just doesn't click.

Even for the Christian, we seldom live with an awareness of just how sinful we are/were/would be without Christ. I mean, we're not Christ-like now but we're not that bad are we? And yet something within us is aware that if God is spending our whole lives perfecting us into Christ-likeness, surely we're not really that close yet.

But get one glimpse at how good God is, and we immediate realise, WHOA! He is SO GOOD, there is NO HO WAY I am anywhere near that. Not even on my best of days. Now all this bowing down to exalt Him and I-am-really-utterly-sinful-before-Him makes sense - for how can a little torchlight, however faithfully he shines his little light, not see his own lack in the face of the huge glorious sun? Straightaway with just a glance at this King, not only can we see just how far we really are from Him, but we are also given all the reason in the world to desire to be one with Him.

And we know, because He is the author and finisher of our faith, that we will be. He is just that good.

Upgraded my bike's roller wheels!

Ok the default roller (Eazy) wheels on my brompton may be good but they have 2 problems:

1) they don't leave much ground clearance for swapped out handlebars with front extensions like mine (when the bike is folded and the handlebars are near the ground), and

2) they're kinda small so they don't roll great on my office carpet.

But, the Brompton folks were very smart in designing it cuz the rear triangle can be very costly to fix if it gets bent, so they designed the roller wheels to be more fragile than the rear triangle. Just in case the bike is dropped when folded, you can count on the wheels to break before the frame bends. Kind of like a crumple zone. The wheels are cheap and replaceable anyway.

But I figured I could use the extra clearance and rollability, AND the bigger risk of any kind of frame damage is probably at the end of the triangle closer to the seat. So why not keep THOSE wheels and swap out the ones right at the end of the bike? That way when the bike is folded I can "tow" it by turning the seat backwards and using it as a handle (like I always do when I get to the office) and the larger wheels wld be the one rolling on my office carpet. Perfect.

So that's what I did. Very happy now. Many thanks to my friend Nick who gave me his unwanted roller blade wheels which I think look awesome on my bike. :)

Also, most sites (like this one, which is an awesome cycling blog btw: http://unfoldandcycle.com/2012/02/22/brompton-upgrade-skate-wheels/) have suggested that you need longer screws than the ones the bike comes with though in order to keep the bungee cords tied on. But I discovered you don't! Because you can loop the end of the bungee, which used to be attached to the same screw as the roller wheel, around the rack instead. If you do that the screw is actually the perfect length to attach a roller blade wheel. Awesome! :D