A Confession

Today has not been a good day.

I feel incapacitated. Even after narrowing down my large list of work-related to-dos into just 1 important thing, I can barely even keep track of that one thing in my mind. I remember it in one moment, and forget it 5 minutes later. I just want to curl up in a corner and hibernate, pretending the things around me aren't real like the proverbial ostrich sticking its head in the ground.

I feel alone. Like there's no one really to talk to. Everyone's busy, everyone's off somewhere, everyone's doing stuff they're supposed to be doing. I started the day with an email from a superior that got me ticked off, which in turn made me feel like he's against me. He probably isn't, but I hear his comments in an antagonistic tone in my head and I can't shake it off. Even my dear fiancee's simple pointing out of a grammatical error in my Facebook status makes me feel like I'm being corrected, and I get ticked off. And now she's probably annoyed or at least doesn't want to talk to me so much lest she ticks me off again or I respond to her in unexpected anger.

Just what I need - even fewer people to talk to.

This doesn't feel real. The future looks bright, but the short remaining path to the end of the tunnel looks far too steep to climb. What good is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when you don't think you can get that far? Most days I look at it and think, "I have no idea how I'll make it up there, but somehow I will." I tell myself, "God is in control. Don't worry about figuring out how to get there if you can't figure it out." Or in the words of a good friend, "this too shall pass."

But today, I look at that light and what's before me, and I feel overwhelmed. And when I'm overwhelmed, I shut down. I mentally retreat, inclined to consider all things in my world as if they are a dream and struggling to remember that no, they are real, I cannot actually ignore them without expecting consequences. But it's a struggle to remember it, like trying to run up a slide and grasping at the smooth walls. Sometimes in the day I stop struggling and let myself space out, but never for long because the spacing out is accompanied by a sense of dread that every moment I remain spaced out is a moment when I get one step closer to the end of that tunnel and haven't made any progress in climbing it, which just makes the pathway ahead steeper and more impossible.

None of this perspective is biblical. I have every reason in Christ to hope. God is in control of my life. In Christ I can do all things. His blood covers me and even if I 'fail' it doesn't matter that much anyway. But at the moment those are just far away thoughts. I am unable to find a way to make them feel real, in the same way a blind man would (probably, I imagine) struggle to believe in the sun while he's in a shadow. I don't know what to do to step into the light, to make things better - all I can do is let time slowly tick by, moving forward in the darkness one step at a time, and see what happens.

And in this moment, as I'm about to post this, I get a call. From a property agent, no less. We're not friends or anything, we've only met once before. But he's helpful and surprisingly understanding of my discomfort with the one property that he showed us before. After putting down the phone I feel slightly better. Not a lot better, but just a bit. Perhaps that was a small random ray of light God decided to shine into my shadow for now.